Wednesday, April 18, 2012

San Francisco Tsunami:  No Longer the Fat Girl Anyone Can Fuck

The 2012 SF Tsunami have committed zero known parole violations since spring training. This year's edition, however, is much new and improved. Faced with an aging roster and championship window rapidly closing, team owner (and only league member to live through the Cuban Missile Crisis) Matt Rowe decided to push payroll beyond the luxury tax threshold in addition to ignoring the draconian league office draft slot bonus recommendations. Convinced it's the only way to prosper in the evermore competitive SFNABA, Rowe has dictated that all gloves, facades of pretense, and fans' soaking wet panties must come off in 2012. Newcomers this year include battery mates Loren Fraser and Tommy Salvatierra of the defunct but not forgotten Artichoke Joe's of San Bruno (Strong Wang, you live on in our hearts). Having played with each other for years, Fraser and Salvatierra display uncommon chemistry on the field and off, evident most clearly during the Tsunami's opening day victory over the Isotopes and the ensuing team debauchery. Also joining the Tsunami is Cameron Yuen-Shore, previously of the Diablos (and lifetime .897 hitter vs. the Tsunami). Cam is a nice, standup guy who's not sure how he wound up on this roster of hog-chasers and Roman bulldozers. He has agreed not to drink in public parking lots after games. Rounding out the offseason shopping for the Tsunami is Jim Nederostek. Jim does not appreciate this type of humor, so there is nothing funny to say about him.

Of course, in addition to Old Rowe, SFNABA groupies will recognize a few more veteran Tsunami faces still on the team. Laid back Mike Abbott returns as Manager. You won't catch him sweating unless there's no Racer 5 on tap. 2011 Co-Rookie of the Year Mike Carozza (also VP of Dugout Music) brings his weekly laser show back to CF, and Pete Lawn is still handsome in left despite all the late nights and fiber-less diet. Walt Morton was coaxed out of retirement to provide dugout candor and base hits, Ken Hale (league founder!) is back in the bullpen, as is Jon Danger Hirsch and a whole lot of penicillin. In the infield Tamir Frankel brings international tournament experience as well as a new parent's bloodshot eyes (welcome, Jack!). Vic Chu still wears the catcher's gear and is nicer than anyone you know. SS Todd Emr (Co-ROY), 2B Tom D'Antono and three-time Tsunami MVP John Ratto are all sleeping with the same seven girls, but only Tom has real feelings for them. Connor Buestad's whereabouts are unknown.

And on a final, serious note, the SF Tsunami have dedicated this season to one of the under-acknowledged working class heroes of the Bay Area: Aaron the Towncar Driver. This week's game, and this year's cumulative efforts, are for you, Aaron. May you inspire us to great heights.
Posted by Tsunami34 on 04/18 at 02:00 PM
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