Friday, July 13, 2012

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about two months ago

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about two months ago, he lives in the here and now. A game blog from May? Please. Whole families of herpes have moved from under his yellowed, muddied Jockeys to Rizzo’s pencil stache in less time. So let’s let LG catch us up to 3/4 of a season and get back to real time: Cuba, hookers at fishbowl, trannies at Circa, Hirsch comment of the year, LG pregame week tirades on here, Jim’s pot tragedy, Abbott bomba, my cat-like barehand, Cam’s hook slide, screeching cunt fans, ba(na)2, Bradley cooper outbursts, Abbotts mid STRIDE outburst.
Yep, that about does it.

The rest is just details:

Tsunami 11, Black Sox 2
Please, your grumpy veteran right fielder does not like suggestions on his outfield positioning. But in retrospect, the extended mid-play ball-chasing bird made it all worthwhile.

Tsunami 12, Black Sox 2
How do you teach that ball who’s boss? Throw it into the ground, motherfucker! Give that bitch a taste of the turf. (yes, I know this was actually game 1, with Rizzo covering first, but nothing at all happened game 2). Oh shit, I almost forgot: there was this: My name is Kirby Daniels, and I’m a rally killer. And my name is Black Label, and I’m a rally killer. (even if Omaha correctly pointed out he was balking)

Tsunami 13, Blue Claws 4
It doesn’t matter if the wool has big boobies and a purple dress, you guys. If the wool sounds like Fran Drescher riding a seatless bike down a cobblestone hill, she’s not worth it. PASS.

Phitans 3, Tsunami 0
My name is Rizzo, and I’m a rally-killer.
My name is Black Label, and I’m a rally-killer.

Tsunami 2, Sea Lions 1
Wait, that’s a fair ball. WHAT? How is that ball foul? THAT’S A FAIR BALL! FAIR BALL! HOW IS THAT BALL FOUL?

Tsunami 13, Sea Lions 4
My name is Jake Taylor, and I’m a rally-killer. (Of course, this one isn’t fair. The truth is the umpire totally fucked Coach over. Totally. Truthfully. For real. I’M BEING DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS HERE, YOU GUYS. THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NO WAY COACH SHOULD BE EXPECTED TO TAKE ONE MODICUM OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR GETTING CAUGHT STEALING FIRST. None. Let’s just drop this. I’m so sick of you guys not getting the point. AND THERE’S NO WAY COACH WOULD AIR OUT A TEAMMATE IN THE SAME POSITION. None. Moving on.)

Tsunami 3, Dons 2
Tom is the worst. Tom is the best. (note: he’s still the worst)

Tsunami 10, Benders 3
Every time you sleep with a midget, you get an infield single.

Benders 7, Tsunami 1
The one solid single? Outlaw Chu. Fuckin A right, buddy. The only other single? Daniels. (yikes)

Apologies To . . .
Tu-Lin surfing all over Moscone basepaths like Kelly Slater . . . Rizzo dominating Black Sox, Sea Lions and Benders in just under 800 pitches . . . Lawn walk-off versus Sea Lions . . . Coach going yard . . . Candidate for defensive play of the year: Lawn walk-off dive and throw for DP vs. Dons . . . Black Label unconscious hitting every game . . . Toddamus/Tu-Lin back-to-back doubles to erase Black Label’s baserunning trouble vs. Dons . . . Daniels current five-game hit streak . . . Coach perfect clutch throw to third for DP vs. Dons . . . Bradley Cooper and Toddamus BOTH covering bag, receiving throw, blocking runner . . . Danger jamming vs. Sea Lions . . . Tu-Lin hitting ball onto Lincoln Ave. vs. Sea Lions, thrown out at third . . . Tu-Lin intentionally walked!. . . Toddamus boning Jersey Shore-like whore in bathroom at The Gaslight Anthem concert. . . Black Label falling apart at SS, but hitting a double after every single error (decent trade) . . . HE PUT HIS HANDS UP AND HE SAID HE THREW THE BALL . . . Did Connor just come? . . . Black Label only one with energy to get us rallying vs. Sea Lions . . . Daniels showing off bod versus Sea Lions . . . Danger looking good behind a PBR can . . . LG shutout at Kan-Jam . . . Utter Toddamus/Daniels Kan-Jam dominance . . . LLLLLLLLLuuuunnnnddddyyyy . . . frustrated Black Label beaning innocent pedestrian with shoe . . . (For The Readers: Have I missed anything?)


Now that all that is finally over, Let’s Travel Together On Tsunami Twitter Shitter, Shall We, And See What We’ve Learned This Season?

The 2012 Tsunami Know MLB:

Quinoa: Chipper fucking jones.
Daniels: Professional hitter.
Autocorrect: And hooter waitress impregnator.

Daniels: Pujols coming up with the biggest set of HR blue balls in MLB history.
Coach Taylor: Best 42 y/o season on the books tho.
Rizzo: Check the Pujols profile o my site. The elephant balls should match nicely with this horse cock.

Rizzo: I just don’t get what you guys see in sports. I’ll take the Kardashians all day.

Autocorrect: Weaver at 87-89 throws a no no. I think Fraser should make a comeback. Kenny Powers style!

Rizzo: This woman in the waiting room is white fucking noise. Thank god they just called her in. I was about to go all delmon young on her hass.
Black Label: Nahh go dimitri young . . . as she’s going by just CRACK with a bat.
Rizzo: I think you’re referring to Randall Simon
Black Label: Ahh yes… The idea still remains . . . Hit and run.

Black Label: Any of you fellas heard of this Josh Hamilton kid? Decent looking swing, he could be a player someday.
LG: Must’ve backdoored a groupie.
Black Label: Or a Viking. That’s what the greeks do.

Auto: Just at doctor’s. Height 5’8 weight 197lbs. Paul LoDuca plays for the Tsunami! Auto: Woulda been taller but my Dad pulled put.

Auto: We should sign Jamie Moyer. Just got released.
Daniels: He’s a year older than Consulting tho
Coach Taylor: And I throw harder
Toddamus: False

Daniels: Cano should wear earplugs and have his mom throw next time.
Rizzo: They quoted him after saying he was having trouble seeing his dads bp cuz it was coming in so much harder than Bruce Chen's.


The 2012 Tsunami Know Women

Vinnie Chase: This girl just told Rizzo he blew it
Vinnie Chase: And he did the dance
Rizzo: Whatever

LG: Surprising Tom has garnered so many nicknames and none involve butt sex. God does work in mysterious ways.
Daniels: You talking about Back Door?

Auto: On the shuttle next to a humongous chick right now that smells like locker room. Should I get the team out of our slump?
Danger: We talking rally hog size?
Auto: Yeah rally hog size. Thanks for sitting next to me sweetheart. Now my face is pressed against the class.

Consulting: Bernice is badass
Consulting: She performs….. Hardcore
Consulting: Confirmed
Consulting: She I’d fucking 86
Consulting: Is that is. Autocorrect
LG: Is Jim saying he would bang Bernice? Can we get a ruling on the field here?
Consulting: She is hot
Consulting: Seriously. Could imagine an 86 year old vagina?
Consulting: That’s hogging
LG: Lot of history there

Rizzo: Been thru 2 world wars
Consulting: Could you even imagine. She came out of a vagina shorty after WW1
Consulting: Fucking WW. Prussia and shit

Rizzo: You’re talking Model T pussy
Consulting: Ya buddy

Auto: Whoaaaa hahaahahaha. Just opened this up. Not to mention what big red could probably do once she took out her teeth and went to town

Auto: The x ray said Chlymidia? Weird!

Taylor: Who hit in the 2-hole last night?
Daniels: I hogged on pornhub
Taylor: Daniels jumped on a virtual grenade!

Taylor: Bananas smell bad
Danger: So do vaginas but you don’t hear me complaining when I get some that’s moist.

Autocorrect: My kitchen smells like an old lady farted piss.

Danger: Sluts work. The bigger the better.
Black Label: We got some OK looking fattties that just walked in.
Black Label: Hirsch I said FATTIES
Daniels: FATTIES = VICTORY

Rizzo: That was one of the hottest girls I’ve ever seen in sf. Yes she looked like a hooker. Yes I find hookers extremely attractive.

Rizzo: Refried beans and baby corn. What’s the saying? The way to a woman’s heart is thru her colon.

Black Label: Sadly I have to say Sal was completely right… No girl that hot will ever be fucked up enough or dumb enough to sleep with me.

Auto: Btw there is nothing better than watching baseball on the 4th of July. Unless you are watching baseball while getting a blowjob on the 4th of July

Lawn: I watched 4 lesbians on top of a bus stop finger bang each other Saturday night. Not quite the same as u see online. A little dissapointed.

Danger: I was balls deep in a old fashioned NYC Jewish rally hog last night so I did my part. Come on you guys.

Autocorrect: Fuck let's go boys. Tom buttfuck something for the game winner. (Editor’s Note: Tom hit HR next inning.)

Fuck The Baseball!: I just yelled "wool here" in a hotel lobby. I think they missed the point... They all looked at me, not the "scenery". Weird...

LG: Where is the embarrassment of blog riches that was promised btw?!
Black Label: Agreed. There hasn't been adequate public humiliation of my social life in a while
LG: Seriously. Just a bunch of recycled quotes from old movies and a couple of volume shooters laying a house made of bricks.

Toddamus: You can't get pregnant from special no hitter sex

Danger: I got hustled out of 40 bucks by two whores from Reno. They said they were Australian and I look like Channing tatum. Waschoe county hookers are the wooorrrrsssstt.


The 2012 Tsunami Know Racism

Rizzo: I’m all in on squirts tonight.
Taylor: I heard you were seeking purple vag.
Auto: I’ve beer had chocolate but I want a taste so bad

Auto (3 hours later): Wow. Glad this is group me and not twitter.

Daniels: Im packing and leaving for the baseball mecca tomorrow
Vinnie Chase: Cubrir su pendejo
Daniels: Abre su mente

Auto: I love how my autocorrect turns “tons” into “Tina” but yet it leaves Dildo alone
Auto: As in “the bachelor dildo’d Tina who’s real name was Lashawda”
Black Label: No autorcorrect suggestions for Lashsawda I see
Auto: Apparently my phone is black

Auto: And Hirsch that is the best comment of the day. Jews are born funny like black guys are born fast. The same way my Mexcian ass can get a girl pregnant by looking her in the eye.

LG (12:45 AM): N##### pimp just tried to cramp my style…if u think that’s happening u got another one coming
LG (12:47 AM): Sorry I’m not sorry about the racial terms. I will racially discriminate equally.
LG (2:21 PM): Apologize for the N bomb last night.

Auto: Fuck I’m more late than a Mexican teenager, Almost there boys.

Autocorrect: At an Indian Casino in Roseville. This is the exact opposite of Avicii. No wool and nothing but rednecks, degenerates, and gambling old asian people
Autocorrect: $225 up. I'll take these engines money all day baby.
Autocorrect: And throw in a chew of redman just to be a dick!

Daniels: FYi: the asian morgan doppelganger works at tokyo gogo
Hot, you guys
Coach: I miss morgan
Rizzo: I miss puddles

Autocorrect: That one chocolate face looked bigger than Bo Jackson. They had some other guys that looked solid too.


The 2012 Tsunami Know Friendship

Rizzo: Hey Tom are you saving those chips that are still on the couch from the burritos we bought last Saturday or do you mind if I throw them out?

Daniels: Carozz pls confirm you were wearing a tucked in shirt last night!
Back Door: He’s not even awake.
Rizzo: Fuck you Hirsch

Fuck Those Gusys: A missing Rizzo, an emotional Daniels, and Abbott wandering around talking to himself . .. They sure did put us in a fog yesterday huh??

Auto: So my girlfriend wakes up and goes “holy shit I had a dream that Fraser realized he was gay after he kissed a guy”
Auto: My response: I’ve known that for awhile.

Daniels: Laser you sick fuck you bought my tent
Rizzo: I didn’t have butt sex I swear

Rizzo: The double donga!? What the fuck did I do to deserve this guys?!
Rizzo: I’m blaming it on Tom either way.
Black Label: Rule #2 of 3: it’s always Tom’s fault.
Auto: Wow I’m wearing it right now
Rizzo: Sal clearly doesn’t understand how the program works.

Rizzo: And btw I’m calling a glass company today to come fix the door in our apartment that you shattered. And you’re paying for it. I’ve given you 5 weeks.
Black Label: Completely fair

Black Label: That recipe is a goddamn family secret!!!

Danger: Didn’t OD. Been resting up in my masterbatorium for tsunami party tm. I miss the shit out of you guys. I’m free after sundown tomorrow night.
Rizzo: He’s back!
Danger: Or if anyone wants to get cultural tomorrow I’ll be hosting challah and blow at my house.
Danger: I mean challah and brisket
Danger: Wait no I don’t

Black Label: Consulting, bring beer (me, I have cash to repay you so don't be stingy) and weed (Daniels and Rizzo)

Black Label: No other takers for the tickets?
Rizzo: Sorry Tom. All booked up. Currently getting high as the northern lights then from 5-6 fappin under my roommates covers then problem drinking from 6 to close.
Rizzo: Booked solid.

Danger: I’m not ready to hear Abbott bitch about being hungover after having a glass or two of really expensive whiskey when I shitcan plastic flasks of whiskey every weekend. Sorry just won’t have it you guys.

Quinoa: New guy has a Xmas wreath on his front door. Good or bad?

LG: I’m anything but sweet but I’d take the ball before or after you any day, just as long as we got to war together
Rizzo: HOO-RAH MOTHER FUCKERS!
Auto: Wow Fraser really gobbled the cock there

LG: Shut up Tom, I see you typing

Rizzo: LG, I'm ready to party. I'm in the mish alone though cuz Hirsch said let's party then made dinner plans

Coach: May all your siblings fuck hogs with republican hippie parents with no sense of their own ironic retardation.

Rizzo: Tom. We can never. Ever. Eat those wings again.

Rizzo: Hey Tommy quit spelling everything correctly I have no fucking idea what you're saying.

LG: Dan missed Abbott's bomba, Rizzo absent for Tom's yahtzee. This means I'm due next time Tommy misses a game to go raving, right?

Rizzo: Toms hit some big home runs in his career. Fucked some real uggos too.

Autocorrect: If we played a game without a base running mistake that would defy quantum physics and tear a hole in the universe
Autocorrect: But I'll settle for Tom D tear holes in buttholes and hitting game winning hits! That a baby!
Lawn: He's tearing midget butt holes
Daniels: He will live Forever

Black Label: Abbott has a fetish for Loren's bowel movements. #Abbottfacts

Autocorrect: We should ease Steve in on the group me. He seems like a nice upstanding guy. He might run for the hills

Autocorrect: Abbot could totally jerk off to Fraser's picture tonight

Autocorrect: I saw at our BBQ we have two races. Our "fast guys" and all the Jake Taylors
Jake Taylor: There is nothing tragic about my wheels.
Autocorrect: My strategy is to have Dan throw his hands up and tell you it's a false start so Ivan run away with it

Danger: Listen you guys. I just got home from work. Sorry I didn't get back to you tommy but I just turned down a fat line primo booger suger cause I know we have to play 2 tomorrow. If that's not dedication then I don't don't what is. I fucking love you guys. Abbott bring a bucket of water tomorrow morning.

Black Label: Can anyone confirm (1) Tommy is alive or (2) if he's incarcerated? This lack of response is beginning to cause concern.
LG: Be careful what you wish for. I fully anticipate a nauseating flurry of annoying EDC texts, FB updates, and emails about how EPIC the underage rave was and how much electronic music fills his soul with ecstasy.

Rizzo: Wish someone could hang out at sfo with me so I didn't feel like such a piece of shit.


The 2012 Tsunami Know Work

Autocorrect: I’m being pretty productive at work today and it’s dri
vin me nuts. Distraction please!!!!

Autocorrect: This is text message exchange with me and an old coworker. This is why I liked my last job so much better than this pussy tech shit
Him: (1/2)
No shit. Th (2/2)
At is why chicks get wildly jealous . . . they know that if there is a willing mout/pussy that a dude is gonna pop off.
A cat can only take so
(1/2)
much from a (2/2)
mouse before the cat has to kill that cunty mouse. Promise.
Me: hahahahaahaha!!!!!!
Me: he can stop chasing pussy but if it chases (1/2)
us . . . . “ah pulled (2/2)
A hamstring”
Him: Yeah… odd that my dick gets hard for just any bitch that wants it to.
Him: I once new a slutty chick that claimed (1/2)
she had ne (2/2)
ver seen a limp dick bc dudes were hard whenever it was whipped out. Kind mad sense.
Him : God. That slut had some tits too.
Him: I hope (1/2)
this entire tx (2/2)
t exchange gets posted on a billboard.
Rizzo: This is an abomination Sal.
Autocorrect: I forwarded the entire text. It formatted weird because it’s group me.
Rizzo: All I know is a mouse fucked a cat.

Auto: I have no idea how I am at my office right now. Vegas definitely won that fight!

Daniels: Cmon boys keep the posts coming. I’m dying at a violin and cello recital.
Auto: That sounds like I’d rather pop Tex Damn than go to that.

Autocorrect: Reason #500 why My office reminds me of when I played for the Baysox. Eating a team lunch and I say " yeah they should stock up the kitchen with 5 hour energy so we don't get food comas" And guy next to me says " what if you took 5 at the same time, I mean there's only 24 hours in a day so it would defy quantum physics and you might put a hole in the universe" Everyone dies laughing like its a Fraser quote. I replied "try taking 5 packets of bath salts."

Autocorrect: No. I would rather text you guys than join in the conversation taking place at the next table on my lunch break

Coach: Are we all shitting at the same time?


The 2012 Tsunami Know Demon Spawn

Rizzo: At the docs trying to talk him into stickin a needle in me to deftertilize my demon scapula spawn.
Daniels: Guest blogger: demon spawn.
Auto: That thing looks like the little guy in Total Recall Coming out the stomach . . .”Quaid ……. Quaid !!!”

Rizzo: Tried to stick a needle in it.
Rizzo: It bled but nothing really newsworthy.
Quinoa: Pics or it didn’t happen
Auto: I just threw up . . . why didn’t the doc drain baby Quaid?
Quinoa: Hung dam lives to see another day

Rizzo: Wasn't a pimple dick it was the devil's spawn because my cut fastball that day was from hell.

Danger: Was there a little after-shock puss left in the tent after the initial mount saint hung eruption?

Rizzo: Also, Abbott, if I hadn't lined the basepaths till 4 am with danger the evening before then let hung dam serve up cockshots in his swan song outing we would have won by 8. There is but one person to blame for that and he burst in Boonville.


The 2012 Tsunami Know The Truth

Coach: We need an exorcism of the second base bag


The 2012 Tsunami Know Fitness

Taylor (12:41 pm): Goin for a run. Hope I don’t die.
Taylor (1:35 pm): Run complete. 4 miles. Still alive. I could drink 1,000 beers you guys.
Quinoa: You averaged 10 minutes per mile.

LG: Where do I begin? First off this has been a most enjoyable thread, especially considering the fucking wasteland it’s been since we had an actual game and gave a fuck. Your welcome for the compliment btw. Second, Hirsch just chimed in with the fucking quote of the year, honoring a long tradition of funny Jews. Third, are we getting back to winning games, taking names, wearing jorts, blowing lines, and telling everyone else to suck it like we used to? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING SIGNED UP FOR!!!


Worth A Second Look

Coach Taylor: Bananas smell bad
Danger: So do vaginas but you don’t hear me complaining when I get some that’s moist.


These Things Were Said, Too, But Out Loud or Email:

Cooper: “I just can’t get enough Salvaterrio, man. Ah, he’s like a drug.”

Cooper: “Tommy’s in Vegas? This team is an absolute mess.”

Tu-Lin: “Games I will miss: July 14th. July 28th. August 4th. I will be back for the playoffs though. After 10 days of boozing in Mexico. I hear that settles one in the box though.”

Cooper: Just wake up and get through the day. That’s my philosophy. Just grind.”

Cooper: “Moving out of my car next Sunday, man. My life is on the up and up.”


Your Little Known Tsunami Historical Fact of the Week:
The silver lining to Coach’s CS-1B? Omaha Morton: still the only Tsunami with a successful S-1B. Against the Benders, no less. Two years ago.


Your Wire Quote of the Three-Quarter Pole:

“I think you play in the dirt, you get dirty.” Jimmy McNulty.
Posted by Tsunami34 on 07/13 at 08:50 AM
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