Thursday, April 19, 2012

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about the precise time Matt Foley wants him to play baseball

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about the precise time Matt Foley wants him to play baseball.  He’ll get there when he damn well feels like it.  He’s on JPT.  He and Lawn both.  Just be glad he brought a belt and a pair of socks he hasn’t recently made love to.

Oh, and do you really think Danger gives a fuck about the Gamecocks batting order? Go ahead, try to tell him it’s easier to get out the 9-hole hitter (contact-less in three previous at-bats) than it is to walk him before having to face the top of the order with men on base and the game on the line. Good fucking luck. Enjoy his vaguely jaundiced stare in response. Then watch the mound results that let you know he’ll do things his way, on his schedule, often with his best friend in the same room. Tag team!

Tsunami 4, Gamecocks 2
Brother Mouzone could probably use a little run support, fellas. There was that one good line drive by Lawn, but nobody was on base. Then Jake Taylor did rip one to left, but again, not with RISP. Instead we’ll settle for bloopers by Hyphen and Taylor to plate the four-pack of runs. Of course we still won, all thanks to the pitching. Stop spoiling us, Bro Mouzone, we’re not going to learn if our bad habits are reinforced with positive results!

Bump Kings
Brother Mouzone: 7 innings, 3 hits (zero hard), 1 earned run, 1 HBP, 1 BB, 12 Ks

Danger: 2 innings, 2 hits, 1 earned run, 3BB, 2 Ks

Big Hot Sticks
Everchill (Jake): 1. Hardest hit ball of the day. 2. An even bigger hit, importance-wise, just a wee bit into the outfield, but just when we needed it—driving in the decisive winning runs.

Frankel: Frozen rope down the right field line, sparking 8th inning mini-rally.

Lawn: Sure the CF froze, then came in, froze, then came in some more. The ball was crushed. Double. We need more of these.

Glove Kings
Ratto: It would take too long to describe. You had to be there. If you weren’t, you know what it was like, you’ve seen this dude do his thing before.

Larceny
0: Everyone afraid to steal off a lefty. And that Howitzer behind the dish.

For the Team!
Lawn.

One Dick Move
Gamecocks start “Jermiah #17.” Not on roster. Not registered with SFNABA. Naughty, naughty.

Two Varying Approaches, No Judgment
Mouzone: 7 innings pitched, 95 pitches
Danger: 2 innings pitched, 48 pitches

Indefensible
Nederostek Consulting ordering four chimichanguitas plates, two nachos, and two quesadillas at Cecilia’s. Finishing one chimi plate and one quesadilla.

Inexcusable
Zero dugout music. Laser, delegate in your absence. Nobody plays good baseball tight.

Quote of the Week 1: Autocorrect: “I was a complete flake. But that's because his team is a bunch of nerds and cheese dicks that I didn't really want to be around. I don't see any of them asking to call Aaron, or sending pictures of a dog breaking out if a slump by fucking a pig, or getting stranded on 3rd base consistently by some hot chick named Morgan that I haven't met yet.” 

Quote of the Week 2: Autocorrect: “I was a flake because I was busy doing what all those Orange wearing uniform pussies can't do.........getting laid. That was 2008-2009 and Fraser can verify those were epic years to be single.”

Quote of the Week 3: Autocorrect: “Tom its 12:30 in Boston, shouldn't you be trying to get balls deep in some chick who's only known adjective is wicked?”

Quote of the Week 4: Buestad: “I’ll see you Sunday.” Hell yeah! And welcome back.

Quote of the Week 5: “Nerds and cheese dicks.” Some things are worth repeating.

Quote of the Week 6: Laser: “This girl is dumpy. But I’m desperate.”

Quote of the Week 7: Autocorrect: “I should stick to what I know . . . bars, towncars, and talking shit.”

Quote of the Week 8: Danger: “I’m trying to eat wings and suck on tit.”

Quote of the Week 9: Danger: “I’m trying to suck on wings and eat tit.”

Quote of the Week 10 (tie): Lawn: “Bumgardner may have the ugliest wife in MLB.” Lawn: “I love this synagogue.”

Quote of the Week 12: Autocorrect: “What’s ‘NR’ by my name mean?”
Daniels: “Non-runner.”
Autocorrect: “Oh yeah, well God did that. When I was born, he looked at me and then checked the box: non-runner.”

Quote of the Week12: Mouzone: “If you guys could hit as well as you text we’d be unstoppable.”

The Wire Quote of the Week:
Bunk Moreland: “I’m just a humble motherfucker with a big-ass dick.”
Lester Freamon: “You give yourself too much credit.”
Bunk: “Okay then. I ain’t that humble.”

Potential Reasons You Weren’t Recognized in Quote of the Week:
1. You’re not on Tsunami groupme (and be glad)
2. You have a day job that requires, well, job stuff
3. Autocorrect said five funnier things than you did

From the Enemy’s Perspective
“Tattletales!”
Posted by Tsunami34 on 04/19 at 01:52 PM
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