Thursday, April 12, 2012

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about painted eggs, pink bunnies or ash-stamped foreheads

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about painted eggs, pink bunnies or ash-stamped foreheads.  He’s a member of the tribe.  The global, not Cleveland-based one.  So don’t come to him with your little cups of jellybeans, your Cadbury Creams, or your damned Opening Day 2012 versus the Isotopes on Passover.  Making Walter Sobchak proud, Danger wasn’t there for the follow up to last year’s second round playoff tilt versus the Topes on the same field that last season ended.  Fortunately, he didn’t miss much, as Laser Show’s thorough and efficient recap demonstrates…

Tsunami 2, Isotopes 1
Loren shoves. Cam rakes. Sal has a gun. Laser throws better than he catches. We’re good. Somebody call Aaron.

Bump Kings
Fraser: 7 innings, 1 hit, 1 unearned run, 1 BB, 9 Ks

Laser: 2 innings, 0 hits, 0 runs, 3 Ks

Big Hot Sticks
Hyphen: 2B. Total laser to left that melted the LF.

Everchill: Don’t call it a comeback. Robbed of results but the reward is knowing who hit the hardest ball of the day. Next time find a gap.

Glove Kings
Black Label: Several nifty plays up the middle in support of the No-No.

Toddamus: Deep into the hole, throwing to first with his hole barely off the ground.

Omaha: The ball will find you! In the game for the first time since 2010, Omaha was sent straight back for a Lex bomb to open up the 8th inning. No problem. Business as usual. Smoothly tracked and caught.

Autocorrect: Even if the guy was safe stealing second, the throw was so damn good the umpire got excited and wiped off the runner.

Larceny
Black Label 1 (2nd base, 1st inning)

For the Team!
Daniels. Top of seventh. Right in the thigh. Didn’t even flinch. Lou’s hit me plenty of times before, he just had a different uniform on this time.

One Dick Move
Topes break up Fraser’s no-hitter in bottom of 7th with a leadoff bunt.
“Bush league!” Tommy says.
“I would’ve done it in a close game like that,” Coach Everchill says.
Who’s right? Bush League should be the name of a strip joint, I say.

Indefensible
Coach Everchill: “There was a no-hitter? I thought they had a hit early on.” Um, no.

Inexcusable
Lawn: Picked off first with two on two outs, and By A Catcher! Being handsome doesn’t even start to make up for it. -4 in the larceny derby.

Quote of the Week 1: Autocorrect: “So the whole week we suck each other off on this group text and then we beat the fucking topes and the chatter stops?!?! Wtf.”

Quote of the Week 2: Autocorrect: “I don’t just make sex jokes and talk about coke. I also like economics. I do.”

Quote of the Week 3: Autocorrect: “Hirsh is Koufaxing us? He’s not Shawn Green!”

Quote of the Week 4: Autocorrect: “The Mission? What the hell I want to go the Mission and have sex with some ironic chick for?!?! Oh, you’re fucking me, yeah, it’s so ironic!”

Mid-week text of the week, post-game edition: Fraser: “Tommy’s string of autocorrect errors is DiMaggio-esque.”

The Right Move: Coach Everchill, in a controversial move, names Fraser the opening day starter. Some took it extremely well, like Laser who saved his bullets for a shutdown two-inning save. Some had a hard time believing the decision, like Nederostek Consulting: “Management decided he’s starting? Management decided?!?! Didn’t he see my one bullpen in my slacks and tennies? What more does he want?” Fortunately for Everchill, Fraser rewarded his decision with 7 innings of one-hit ball and zero earned runs. Though some say Nederostek Consulting wouldn’t have given up that hit.

From the Enemy’s Perspective
“Who the hell was that tall guy?”
Posted by Tsunami34 on 04/12 at 01:32 PM
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