Thursday, April 11, 2013

Jon Danger Hirsch Does Not Give a Fuck What Hand You Throw With

Jon Danger Hirsch Does Not Give a Fuck What Hand You Throw With

What? Where am I? Why are you here? We’re playing the traitors? Now? Really? I just went to bed, asshole! You say we’re down Tu-Lin and Larson? And they have a lefty on hill? And I have to hit?!?! What’s the scouting report Jake? Wait, fuck that, we have to stop for coffee! I will not play without coffee… and beef jerky…

Sure, he might whine about it, but truthfully Danger does not care who we are playing, how they throw, or what color the rulebook is. He wakes*. He rakes. He jingles and jangles down to first with the same shit eating grin of a man who knows that his success is truly, unequivocally, genuinely ironic. Unlike those Shawn Kemp jersey wearing hoopsters… his #22 is legit, original and screams to the world: “I raked today, but you know, whatever. It woulda been just as cool if I hadn’t.”

Toddamus on the other hand, does not share Danger’s reckless willingness to drop the dick at all costs. He sees a lefty and decides that the best way to show his respect, is to bunt. Or at least try to. I mean, what’s the point in swinging? When a guy throws from the devil’s side of the hill, you’re clearly better off just giving yourself up. It’s the right baseball play!

Fortunately for this team of masturbating marauders, Bradley Cooper is not here to bunt. He brought his braj all the way to Oakland, so he might as well swing it around**. Got leather? Yeah, he’s got that too. Might as well flash it. Clean uni? Screw it. He can park the EB Edition outside of the ‘mat this week. Gotta get to the #ship, even if it runs you a few quarters for extra detergent. Sure, Sure.

Bump Kings -
Lorenzo Gigante – We know he’s not really a stats guy, but maybe just this once… 9 IP. 14 K’s. 2 Hits. 0 Runs. Perfect through 6. 0 LGMTANWF***. Win. Hold. Save.

Droppin’braj -
Cooper – 2-3 with a huge RBI. Fundamentals: 2 Headfirst Slides, Sac Fly
Lawn – Huge RBI in the 1st to get LG the rare lead… Clutch.

Flashing Leather -
Cooper – stop hogging the blog space. Saves the shutout with a dive Greg Luganis would have been proud of. Grace. Beauty. Sure.
Emr – Keeps the PG bid alive making a play deep in the hole… no 2-Hole, not that kinda hole… keep your head out of the gutter.
Taylor – T insists his eyes were open the whole time. T is a nice guy.

Larceny; or How the Tsunami Ever Score Running the Bases This Way is Beyond Comprehension -
TAFKA**** LaserShow – 1 (-3 on year)
T – Almost gets picked off first by the Bay Sox backup C. With a 4 step lead. Probably just wanted to remind LG that we could still fuck this up somehow, so focus!

What the Fuck? -
Nuke - We’ve all been down this road before… wisdom teeth come in, don’t quite fit, and need to be removed… it happens to just about everyone… WHEN THEY ARE FUCKING 12! Who misses Rivalry Week to go to the goddamn dentist?!?! This couldn’t wait until September? Maybe do it on a weekend off? No. Rivarly Week. Thank god he didn’t tweet pictures of all the hand-crafted ice cream he ate to soothe his irritated jowels at Che What. The. Fuck!?!?

Disabled List –
TAFKA LaserShow – Power outage. We will now employ the double cut for 2/3rds of our starting OF until we can raise $3k for Tommy John.
Kirby Daniels – Paternity Leave. Welcome to the 3&U squad, Kole!
Nuke – Whatever. See above.
Danger – Sore arm. Do NOT try to jerk off with pine tar, you guys.

Coach’s Pet –
4:00am. 2-Hole just wants you to know that he’s up and ready for the game.

TTOTW – 140 Characters or Less –
*** This feature has been put on hiatus due to lack of interest***

Things We Know About Autocorrect From Facebook –
*** This feature has been discontinued because it sucked and I still don’t have Facebook***

On the TST -

Enjoy Your Lipper – I just had an intervention with myself

Enjoy Your Lipper – California public schools straight hemorrhaging money today as Jake watches 8 hours of MLB baseball.

Jake – Mrs. Daniels is in labor, you guys!
Danger – Oh Boy! I mean, oh girl!!!
2-Hole – So this means Kirby can make the game on Sunday now, right?
Jake –clearly. Once the baby is out, you can get a babysitter. #fact

Old Crowe – Kalouche!
Homewrecker – What injury does he have?
2-Hole – Wisdom teeth I think.
Homewrecker – I didn’t realize you used your teeth to pitch.

Toddamus – Tonight is 2-Hole’s 1 year butt-sex anniversary.

Up Next –
Blue Claws. In Albany. Presumably not New York, but who the hell knows in the “SF” NABA. Could be anywhere really. Probably best to set your alarm for noon, Danger.

Footnotes and Errata -
* With some coercion
** To be clear to the young lady BC met at a bar, he swings it in the least gay way imaginable… really! Just because he was there with a tightly denim clad Danger and he said he was, he’s not. Really! Not that it would be bad if he was, but he’s NOT! Seriously. /we thinks he doth protest too much…
*** Lorenzo Gigante My Teammates Are Not Worthy Face™
**** The Artist Formerly Known As
Posted by Jake Taylor on 04/11 at 10:45 AM
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