Friday, April 05, 2013

John Danger Hirsch Will NOT Take Your Charity

John Danger Hirsch (& LaserShow) Will NOT Take Your Charity

Look guys, they were getting screwed. It’s not like the guy deserved to get tossed. And so what if the guy at the plate was the only dude in their lineup to make solid contact all day? Who cares? It’s rec baseball. Let’s strike this fucker out. Fine.

So sure, you forced us to take an out to start the 9th. Thanks. But we do not want to win that way. It’s not sporting. Here, you go to first… and YOU go to first… and YOU go to first! Now it’s a fucking baseball game. Someone call Gus Johnson, ‘cause this shit just got real.

Bump Kings –
Fraser. Didn’t break a sweat. Was ready to get loose for the save… no stats… because we all know that for the big guy, the only stat that matters is WINS.*

Droppin’braj –
Practice? We’re talkin’ ‘bout practice? Homewrecker wake up, shoos away the once virginal to be bride, and swings the goddamn dick. So take your condescending emails and shove it, Jake.

Flashing Leather –
T. A brisket well earned. Bailing the drama queens out with a 4-3 double play to end the game.

Larceny; or How the Tsunami Ever Score Running the Bases This Way is Beyond Comprehension –
LaserShow (-4). At 3rd. With Todd up. And no outs. At least he said he was sorry.

What the Fuck? –
2-Hole goes Kelly Leak on routine pop-up to Jake... from 3rd base. Knocking out Jake’s front teeth in the process. Larson, concerned for personal safety, calls Tom off on next deep fly to right. (Only upshot, the first appearance of the Lorenzo Gigante “My Teammates are Not Worthy” face. We missed you too, big guy!) So seriously 2-Hole… What. The. Fuck.

Disabled List –
Sources say, Tu-Lin, attempting to dunk a women’s basketball over a midget, comes up 2 feet short of the rim, trips over said little person and tries to pull off the old one-handed landing. Bad move, Kelli Strug. 6 pins later, and we have the best one armed scorekeeper money can buy. Big thanks to Poppa Larry for the late night update.

Larry – “Compound left arm fracture. At Kaiser now..
Jake – “Is this for real?”
Larry – “Too real.”
Jake - /Chokes on own foot
Larry – Tu-Lin is looking forward to opening day....for 2014. He's threatening to become a pitcher now. I think it's the morphine talking.
Toddamus – YES! Morphine! Its about damn time.
Tu-Lin - what's the going rate for home brews vs. 5mg oxy tablets?

Coach’s Pet –
4:30am. Lasershow just wants you to know that he’s up and ready for the game.

TTOTW – 140 Characters or Less –
@tidedirtbags Is this fucking amateur hour out here, Blue?!?! No it’s a fucking amateur LEAGUE… You’re GONE!

@tidedirtbags Getting pucks on net early tonight. Tomorrow’s opening day. #wakeandrake

@tidedirtbags Tried to order fierce new #ship hats but @lids4hats customer service was not very raguey… sad. #flair

@tidedirtbags “I’m an athlete. I’ll play anywhere on the field. Like Tim Tebow, except I fuck.” – Sal

*NOTE - This new blog “feature” was requested by LG on the TST. Out of respect/fear/lack of better ideas, we’ll give it a whirl. If it sucks, take it up with captain pouty face. Honestly, this blogger doesn’t have facebook, so maybe you had to be there.

Things We Know About Autocorrect From Facebook –
1) He LOVES Miami
2) He’s generous to the homeless… but will not tolerate ingratitude
3) Paleo had been a challenge, but rewarding
4) He can’t spell for shit
5) The transbay terminal fascinates him

Up Next –

Footnotes and Errata –
*This is a complete falsehood. The following is an entirely not comprehensive list of stats Lorenzo Gigante is known to care deeply about:
1) Strikeouts
2) Strikeouts/9 Innings
3) Strikeout to Walk Ratio
4) ERA
5) FIP adjusted ERA (*aka what his ERA would be if his teammates weren’t such a bunch of slapdicks)
7) WAR
8) Broken Bats
9) Hits allowed
10) Bra Size
Posted by Jake Taylor on 04/05 at 10:29 AM
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