Opening Day 2011: Jon Danger Hirsch Doesn’t Give A Fuck About Wearing Some High Schooler’s Hat

Tsunami 19, Red Giants 7
All about the debuts this time out (well that and some handy veteran production), but mainly the debuts: White-Lightning Pants leading off Tsunami season with BB, stealing 2nd, stealing 3rd, scoring on infield single; sac advancing two runners in 3rd; pregame laser show from CF; 3 Straight Ks to slam shut 7th (and final inning) after awesome Nuke Laloosh 4-pitch BB to open inning (featuring backstop dusting (no mascots were injured)) . . . No Nickname Yet getting first Tsunami hit (1st SFNABA hit in 3rd), at least 2 runs scored (7 or 8 more potentially after replacing non-runners); flawless infield D (between innings thrown-ground balls included) . . . Toddamus proving to be excellent platoon infielder vs. righties: frozen, knee-buckling-error-inducing drive to LF in first post-collegiate-domestic AB; 3 hits; decidedly better than horrible defense (see below: Kings, Glove) . . . Ivy League opening Tsunami career with 1-2-3 inning on Opening Day; 2 Ks; perfectly-calibrated-maximum challenge of Coach Everchill’s forehead vein capacity and circulation rate . . . then Everchill setting pace with 3 BBs (one the man way) . . . Moreno ripping one off of pitcher’s wheel, other off right field chalk for double (right time, too) . . . Chu a wall, only challenged once . . . Danger arriving to calmly extinguish fire without singeing pubic backpacker beard . . . George Human Ruth hitting one double to warning track, breaking sound barrier, didn’t even get half of it . . . Ratto effectively disarming inning-long car alarm annoyance . . . Danger coasting through order unscathed twice . . . No Nickname Yet getting picked off 1B but Chu scoring from 3B to make it look like we planned that . . . 4 Tsunami errors . . . 10-plus enemy errors . . . 10-plus Tsunami walks . . . Zero fistfights . . . Zero injuries . . . Two post-game bar attendees (very weak, lots of room for improvement).

The Big Picture
Looks like the most-contested Tsunami ROY contest in years. Four new Tsunami look to be major contenders . . . SP, SS, CF/P, IF/OF . . . Serious east coast bias among the voters doesn’t scare any of the four least coast natives now enjoying The City.

Glove Kings:
Toddamus: Sick, over-calmly pick of a line-driven, runner-screened grenade, flipped to Tamir for an inning-ending double play.

Tamir: Fresh-on-the-field, First-throw-of-the-year (touch even), Catch-and-Turn-Toss-Elevate Laser to First for an inning-ending double play.

W. L. Pants: Intimidated opponent/Amused-Inspired Tsunami with Pregame Laser Show from CF.

Bump Kings
Danger: 4 1/3 IP, 4 Ks, 0 ER

W. L. Pants: 3 Ks, 1 IP

George Human Ruth
#18: Titanic, freeway-attacking, night-bringing, backspun, ear-splitting, wood-bat-dynamite double three-hundred-and-ninety-five-feet to dead center field. 395. 395. 395. Off a 72 mph fastball. At night. Warning track power.

Big Sticks
Toddamus, 3-4, BB, 2B, 3 R
George Herman Ruth, 1-3, 2 BB, 2B, 2B-Robbed-By-Incompetence (+2rbis)
Daniels, BB. 3 R, 2 SB
Moreno (needs nickname), 1-3, BB, 2B
Ratto (Lexus is best nickname, but last name is way cooler), 1-3, 2B, 2 BB, 2 R
W.L. Pants (one-Lombard Sports-run-away from a new nickname), 1-3, 2 R, S, SB

For the Team
Everchill 1 (1). It his his elbow, okay? Right on the bone! That’s the only reason he screamed.

K Derby
Danger 4 (4)
W. L. Pants 3 (3)
Ivy League 2 (2)

Wrong K Derby (Won’t Be An Ongoing Feature)(Only Fun Once Then Would BE Mean)
Carroza 1 (1) (took it like a man)
Daniels 1 (1) {totally wined (it did almost brush jersey, above letters)} (still whining)
Chu 1 (1)
Tamir 1 (1) (ripped, robbed candidate)
Moreno 1 (1)
Danger 1 (just kidding; Everchill CS home B4 swing)
Hardaway 1 (1) (ripped, robbed candidate; total screwing)

W.L. Pants 2 (2)
Daniels 2 (2)
Everchill 1 (strictly Pants’s caboose) (1)
? (potential missed SBs = +/- 2; send complaints to Godfather c/o Hale)

Daniels RBI single top 1: driven cleanly off the center of the handle to deep west of mound, just enough east of 3B. Crushed.

Ripped, Robbed
G. H. Ruth bases-loaded 2-RBI double down the line top 6: official not only ruled this true hit a catch (to what opposing SS told umpire—“honestly, he didn’t catch it”), but then umpire ruled catch a non-caught foul ball (putting Everchill back at 3B, Daniels to 2B, Toddamus to 1b, G. H. Ruth to batter’s box); but then Coach Everchill responded there was no way it was foul (said with gusto, but only because ball landed beside glove a few feet inside foul line for a fair double) so umpires conferenced to rule Ball In Fact Now Caught After All, Ruth Out, Daniels Out at 3B (but Toddamus safe at 2B despite not tagging up). So much awesome in one play. All of it wrong. Double play.

Tarde (needs to participate for improved nickname).

From the Enemy’s Perspective
I should have never taken myself out.
I should have put myself back in earlier.
I shouldn’t have taken myself out again.
I should’ve put myself back in again.
We almost had them.
Next time.
If only I’d pitched more.

Past ROY:
1987: 1. Everchill 2. Oklahoma (R.I.P.)
2002: 1. Moreno 2. Levine
2003: 1. Brill (Uno) 2. Goldberg
2004 1. Hardaway 2.
2006 1. Tamir 2. Reverend Coffman
2007 1. K. Daniels 2. The Two That Shall Not Be Named (Sons of Laettner)
2008 1. Ratto 2. Danger
2009 1. Rowdy Roddy 2. Hot Stick Merritt
2010 1. Tarde 2. Hale (Godfather)
2011 ?

One Request For the Scorer
Runs. Batted. In.
Posted by (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 04/06 at 02:51 PM

What the heck is this?

Where are all the Bob Saget jokes?

Posted by (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  on  04/06  at  04:03 PM
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