Thursday, August 13, 2015

John Danger Hirsch knows about Benders

John Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about Figoni going off cycle and losing 30lbs in the offseason, that Larson’s retirement Sandusky’d the blog, that Everchill managed to add another name to Abbot’s list (RIP Tamir*), or that E-Dub screams FUCK!!!!!!!!! loud enough to startle Hellen Keller. Danger doesn’t give a fuck if TJ is the world’s skinniest football player, that Gigante made an adjustment, that Sean Chase punishes baseball’s like Adrian Peterson’s kids, or that Todd’s moustache makes him look like a rapist. Danger doesn’t give a fuck about Kalush’s emoji’s, that Reed punches his clown watching Tim Kurkjian, that Sal hits off speed pitches as good as he pulls out, or that Old Crowe coaches 3B like he’s at a silent disco.

You might think that Danger gives a fuck about your fame and influence, but he doesn’t. Danger doesn’t care that Sneaky Pete looks like Vinny Chase… movie star looks won’t save a tribesman from the list. Danger doesn’t give a fuck that Ricky Henderson big league’d What Pros Wear™, or that Little Joey settled for Punky Brewster, despite Proud Dad’s pleas. Danger could not be less impressed if you fly around the world with One Direction, that you used to DP Venezuelan chicks with Gregor Blanco, or if your meal is comp’d in Denver when the server recognizes you as Klutch. Danger doesn’t even give a fuck that the Tide are mercy ruling the San Francisco Giants in the Wife and Girlfriend department.

That’s right, John Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about any of that because the Godfather fucked cancer and the Tide rolled 7-6 against the Benders on wild card weekend. Pitching and defense has been the foundation of the 2015 Tide campaign. If you told Danger that the Tsunami would hang up a 7 spot and have the entire staff available he would bet you all the cocaine in the world that the game would be a snooze fest. Interestingly, Two Hole reminded everyone all week just how good our run differential had been against the rest of the league so the jinx was in. Next time… shut up Tom! (How anyone fucks you remains one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of life.)

Godfather started the game with strike one down the dick… but it was Gigante (hell bent on proving to Rizzo that he had made an adjustment) who stepped up to render the Benders bats helpless against a red angry Giant. With a bullpen full of aces, Gigante exited after 6 strong innings and a constant peppering of “two out rall-ahh” by Willie McGee’s uglier cousin. Due to the constant threat of a rally, Tony was nowhere to be found (JK Evan….ah who gives a shit he won’t read the email anyway).

Rucker took the mound in the 7th ready to continue his year long dominance, however the curse of the pale WASP began to unfold. After a few uncharacteristic walks/miscues the Benders were threatening to send the Tide packing. Given the 2015 Tide is more loaded than ever, a first round exit in such close proximity to the Golden Gate Bridge would have surely sent Jake Taylor swan diving to a watery death. Lucky for the Tide, Young J Hardaway and the baseball Gods helped to tip the scales for the good guys… a close call at 2nd and a passed ball to take the lead. Kangaroo Jack took the bump in the 9th refusing to be rattled by a bunch of silly Americans in pinstripes. In a tense 9th inning that saw the tying run reach first base the side was retired on a line drive to Two Hole and just like that the Tide survived and advanced. Next up on the road to the ship will be the Aces at Stenzel Park on Saturday.

Bump Kings: Godfather for fucking cancer and throwing out the 1st pitch

Dropping Braj: We’re certain someone got a hit. Really can’t recall. Possible that we hit 100 groundballs to the infield that were all kinds of zoo’d. Who knows?

Tootblan: It wasn’t Cam’s fault Rizzo bunts like dogshit

Inexcusable: Stranding 87 runners in 8 innings

Getting Involved: Spice firing up the post-game BBQ and fire pit. Well played sir, well played.

Getting Over Involved: RIZZO, for fucks’ sake, stop beating up Baby Spice!

Posted by Autocorrect on 08/13 at 12:59 PM
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