Friday, April 26, 2013

We don’t blog losses around here

Isotopes 12, Tsunami 2

We don’t blog losses around here.  But Bradley Cooper did sum up the weekend well:  “We win that game with Fluffy on the 25 man roster.”

Posted by Tsunami34 on 04/26 at 04:50 PM
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Thursday, April 18, 2013

John Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck. No seriously. He didn’t even show up

John Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck. (No seriously. He didn’t even show up). Danger has better things to do on a Sunday afternoon, like giving everyone free beer, surfing Cliphunter until it’s time to inject his Winstrol, taking key bumps in the storage room at Liberties, and looking at new pictures of brown art on Sam’s phone. While those are certainly questionable priorities, it sounds like a lot more fun than Section 925’s Sunday afternoon spent working on group projects, playing his podcast, and sexting Autocorrect’s chubby ex co-workers….spare me!

Luckily for both of them the Blue Claws didn’t show up either and the game looked a lot like the train being run simultaneously on Avra at Coachella (pictures to come). Lorenzo Gigante got thru 6 innings on 54 pitches and used more effort for his jaw dropping Shart timed perfectly during the final pitch-A nice tribute to his girlfriend for coming out.

Bump Kings:

Lorenzo Gigante- 6 Innings, 54 pitches and another near perfect performance that stays intact with the 9-3 putout that almost was.

Nuke Kalush- 1 Inning and no runs but he assured us he could go 2 or 3 innings if needed. Jake Taylor has the icepack ready should his lips swell up against the Topes next Sunday

Droppin Braj:

Homewrecker: Mammoth double that easily would have been out had Karma not kicked up the winds as punishment for fucking everyone’s wife.

Toddamus-Finally realizing we aren’t Cal State Fullerton and our 3 hitter doesn’t bunt……EVER.

Ronnie Coleman- Hard single in his first at bat in 8 years proving that hitting is just like riding a pussy elevator. Bonus points for introducing Rizzo to the Babe Ruth.

Autocorrect-2-4 with a great Willie Mayes Hayes Impersonation

Nuke Kalush- Bases clearing double on a foul ball which will surely be used as evidence for more AB’s.

Outlaw Chu- Nail in the Blue Claws coffin with a double down the line

Larceny- How the Tsunami ever score running the bases this way?

Nuke- Minus 1 for running a hard 90 right past 2nd base when a slide makes you safe by a mile- Further evidence that you should embrace being a pitcher.

Soundbites:

“Cam never sent out porn in the In or Out email”- Jake Taylor
“It’s must be easy to pull your muscles when you have so many”-Jake Taylor

Posted by Autocorrect on 04/18 at 09:31 AM
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Thursday, April 11, 2013

Jon Danger Hirsch Does Not Give a Fuck What Hand You Throw With

Jon Danger Hirsch Does Not Give a Fuck What Hand You Throw With

What? Where am I? Why are you here? We’re playing the traitors? Now? Really? I just went to bed, asshole! You say we’re down Tu-Lin and Larson? And they have a lefty on hill? And I have to hit?!?! What’s the scouting report Jake? Wait, fuck that, we have to stop for coffee! I will not play without coffee… and beef jerky…

Sure, he might whine about it, but truthfully Danger does not care who we are playing, how they throw, or what color the rulebook is. He wakes*. He rakes. He jingles and jangles down to first with the same shit eating grin of a man who knows that his success is truly, unequivocally, genuinely ironic. Unlike those Shawn Kemp jersey wearing hoopsters… his #22 is legit, original and screams to the world: “I raked today, but you know, whatever. It woulda been just as cool if I hadn’t.”

Toddamus on the other hand, does not share Danger’s reckless willingness to drop the dick at all costs. He sees a lefty and decides that the best way to show his respect, is to bunt. Or at least try to. I mean, what’s the point in swinging? When a guy throws from the devil’s side of the hill, you’re clearly better off just giving yourself up. It’s the right baseball play!

Fortunately for this team of masturbating marauders, Bradley Cooper is not here to bunt. He brought his braj all the way to Oakland, so he might as well swing it around**. Got leather? Yeah, he’s got that too. Might as well flash it. Clean uni? Screw it. He can park the EB Edition outside of the ‘mat this week. Gotta get to the #ship, even if it runs you a few quarters for extra detergent. Sure, Sure.

Bump Kings -
Lorenzo Gigante – We know he’s not really a stats guy, but maybe just this once… 9 IP. 14 K’s. 2 Hits. 0 Runs. Perfect through 6. 0 LGMTANWF***. Win. Hold. Save.

Droppin’braj -
Cooper – 2-3 with a huge RBI. Fundamentals: 2 Headfirst Slides, Sac Fly
Lawn – Huge RBI in the 1st to get LG the rare lead… Clutch.

Flashing Leather -
Cooper – stop hogging the blog space. Saves the shutout with a dive Greg Luganis would have been proud of. Grace. Beauty. Sure.
Emr – Keeps the PG bid alive making a play deep in the hole… no 2-Hole, not that kinda hole… keep your head out of the gutter.
Taylor – T insists his eyes were open the whole time. T is a nice guy.

Larceny; or How the Tsunami Ever Score Running the Bases This Way is Beyond Comprehension -
TAFKA**** LaserShow – 1 (-3 on year)
T – Almost gets picked off first by the Bay Sox backup C. With a 4 step lead. Probably just wanted to remind LG that we could still fuck this up somehow, so focus!

What the Fuck? -
Nuke - We’ve all been down this road before… wisdom teeth come in, don’t quite fit, and need to be removed… it happens to just about everyone… WHEN THEY ARE FUCKING 12! Who misses Rivalry Week to go to the goddamn dentist?!?! This couldn’t wait until September? Maybe do it on a weekend off? No. Rivarly Week. Thank god he didn’t tweet pictures of all the hand-crafted ice cream he ate to soothe his irritated jowels at Che What. The. Fuck!?!?

Disabled List –
TAFKA LaserShow – Power outage. We will now employ the double cut for 2/3rds of our starting OF until we can raise $3k for Tommy John.
Kirby Daniels – Paternity Leave. Welcome to the 3&U squad, Kole!
Nuke – Whatever. See above.
Danger – Sore arm. Do NOT try to jerk off with pine tar, you guys.

Coach’s Pet –
4:00am. 2-Hole just wants you to know that he’s up and ready for the game.

TTOTW – 140 Characters or Less –
*** This feature has been put on hiatus due to lack of interest***

Things We Know About Autocorrect From Facebook –
*** This feature has been discontinued because it sucked and I still don’t have Facebook***

On the TST -

Enjoy Your Lipper – I just had an intervention with myself

Enjoy Your Lipper – California public schools straight hemorrhaging money today as Jake watches 8 hours of MLB baseball.

Jake – Mrs. Daniels is in labor, you guys!
Danger – Oh Boy! I mean, oh girl!!!
2-Hole – So this means Kirby can make the game on Sunday now, right?
Jake –clearly. Once the baby is out, you can get a babysitter. #fact

Old Crowe – Kalouche!
Homewrecker – What injury does he have?
2-Hole – Wisdom teeth I think.
Homewrecker – I didn’t realize you used your teeth to pitch.

Toddamus – Tonight is 2-Hole’s 1 year butt-sex anniversary.

Up Next –
Blue Claws. In Albany. Presumably not New York, but who the hell knows in the “SF” NABA. Could be anywhere really. Probably best to set your alarm for noon, Danger.

Footnotes and Errata -
* With some coercion
** To be clear to the young lady BC met at a bar, he swings it in the least gay way imaginable… really! Just because he was there with a tightly denim clad Danger and he said he was, he’s not. Really! Not that it would be bad if he was, but he’s NOT! Seriously. /we thinks he doth protest too much…
*** Lorenzo Gigante My Teammates Are Not Worthy Face™
**** The Artist Formerly Known As
Posted by Jake Taylor on 04/11 at 10:45 AM
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Friday, April 05, 2013

John Danger Hirsch Will NOT Take Your Charity

John Danger Hirsch (& LaserShow) Will NOT Take Your Charity

Look guys, they were getting screwed. It’s not like the guy deserved to get tossed. And so what if the guy at the plate was the only dude in their lineup to make solid contact all day? Who cares? It’s rec baseball. Let’s strike this fucker out. Fine.

So sure, you forced us to take an out to start the 9th. Thanks. But we do not want to win that way. It’s not sporting. Here, you go to first… and YOU go to first… and YOU go to first! Now it’s a fucking baseball game. Someone call Gus Johnson, ‘cause this shit just got real.

Bump Kings –
Fraser. Didn’t break a sweat. Was ready to get loose for the save… no stats… because we all know that for the big guy, the only stat that matters is WINS.*

Droppin’braj –
Practice? We’re talkin’ ‘bout practice? Homewrecker wake up, shoos away the once virginal to be bride, and swings the goddamn dick. So take your condescending emails and shove it, Jake.

Flashing Leather –
T. A brisket well earned. Bailing the drama queens out with a 4-3 double play to end the game.

Larceny; or How the Tsunami Ever Score Running the Bases This Way is Beyond Comprehension –
LaserShow (-4). At 3rd. With Todd up. And no outs. At least he said he was sorry.

What the Fuck? –
2-Hole goes Kelly Leak on routine pop-up to Jake... from 3rd base. Knocking out Jake’s front teeth in the process. Larson, concerned for personal safety, calls Tom off on next deep fly to right. (Only upshot, the first appearance of the Lorenzo Gigante “My Teammates are Not Worthy” face. We missed you too, big guy!) So seriously 2-Hole… What. The. Fuck.

Disabled List –
Sources say, Tu-Lin, attempting to dunk a women’s basketball over a midget, comes up 2 feet short of the rim, trips over said little person and tries to pull off the old one-handed landing. Bad move, Kelli Strug. 6 pins later, and we have the best one armed scorekeeper money can buy. Big thanks to Poppa Larry for the late night update.

Larry – “Compound left arm fracture. At Kaiser now..
Jake – “Is this for real?”
Larry – “Too real.”
Jake - /Chokes on own foot
Larry – Tu-Lin is looking forward to opening day....for 2014. He's threatening to become a pitcher now. I think it's the morphine talking.
Toddamus – YES! Morphine! Its about damn time.
Tu-Lin - what's the going rate for home brews vs. 5mg oxy tablets?

Coach’s Pet –
4:30am. Lasershow just wants you to know that he’s up and ready for the game.

TTOTW – 140 Characters or Less –
@tidedirtbags Is this fucking amateur hour out here, Blue?!?! No it’s a fucking amateur LEAGUE… You’re GONE!

@tidedirtbags Getting pucks on net early tonight. Tomorrow’s opening day. #wakeandrake

@tidedirtbags Tried to order fierce new #ship hats but @lids4hats customer service was not very raguey… sad. #flair

@tidedirtbags “I’m an athlete. I’ll play anywhere on the field. Like Tim Tebow, except I fuck.” – Sal

*NOTE - This new blog “feature” was requested by LG on the TST. Out of respect/fear/lack of better ideas, we’ll give it a whirl. If it sucks, take it up with captain pouty face. Honestly, this blogger doesn’t have facebook, so maybe you had to be there.

Things We Know About Autocorrect From Facebook –
1) He LOVES Miami
2) He’s generous to the homeless… but will not tolerate ingratitude
3) Paleo had been a challenge, but rewarding
4) He can’t spell for shit
5) The transbay terminal fascinates him

Up Next –
RIVALRY WEEK, BITCHES!

Footnotes and Errata –
*This is a complete falsehood. The following is an entirely not comprehensive list of stats Lorenzo Gigante is known to care deeply about:
1) Strikeouts
2) Strikeouts/9 Innings
3) Strikeout to Walk Ratio
4) ERA
5) FIP adjusted ERA (*aka what his ERA would be if his teammates weren’t such a bunch of slapdicks)
6) WHIP
7) WAR
8) Broken Bats
9) Hits allowed
10) Bra Size
Posted by Jake Taylor on 04/05 at 10:29 AM
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