Friday, May 04, 2012

Wood Goes Limp, Banana Bread Delightful

Following up last week’s game/blog/assplay is not something I’ve been looking forward to. The storylines, the drama, the history, and the eloquence--there can be no match. But I’m not the next Daniels, I’m the first Laser Show. I have tried and true ways of doing business and I plan to stick to them: dick references and abrasive, unrelenting slander of the Last Great American Rebel Cattle Driver, Banana Bread.
Autocorrect on the eve of the game: “Last week we punched the bully right in the fucking face and stole his lunch money. Tomorrow we fuck his fried (friend) up too to be the new big swinging dicks!”

And so swung the dicks. A baker’s dozen worth of knocks. All Tsunami in the hit column (Toddamus notwithstanding, due to questionable priorities). Rowdy fans cackling in delight at the Wood’s misfortune. Autocorrect sending his warmest regards to the softballers for a stand-up single (next time call a Towncar). Everchill even smiled once, though I have no evidence.

Toddamus: “My stomach is a little confused, but I really like Amelia.”

The Tsunami ran the bases with wreckless abandon--calling on their signature lack of baseball instincts, marginal speed, diminishing coordination, and refusal to dirty their pants, to the tune of 9 runs.

Autocorrect: “Tom has taken 2 hours to drink one beer.”
Everchill: “He’s a well-known vag.”

Brother Mouzone aka Hacksaw was back to his usual tricks, whiffs and kindling for 6 innings, punishing the Wood to the point of chafing. Laser Show serenading his newborn demon spawn, Hung Dam, to pass the time. Banana Bread and Father Frankel play some fetch with Everchill (part 1 of that play was outstanding, T). Fielding is just boring, though.

With Laser Show fighting the demons of a mutant alien exorcism in his throwing arm in the 7th, Jon Danger Hirsch took the ball, shut the door. Mixing a Richard Simmons-esque slider with an ironic fastball through three innings, beating the Wood mercilessly. 9-3 W. 4-0. Great view.

Bump Kings:
Hacksaw: 6 ip, 13 k’s, 5 hits, 0 er, 1 backpeddler, 6 other bored fielders
Danger: 3 ip, 4 hits, 1 er, 7 mildly amused fielders

Dick-Swingers:
Banana Bread: 2-5, run, rbi
Cooper: 1-3, 2 runs, 0 practice cuts since I’ve known him, looks that kill
Frankel: 1-1, no soft-toss necessary
Autocorrect: 1-3, 2b, 2 rbi, run, SAC fly

Bottom feeders, fastball lovers:
Everchill: 1-3, Pissrod City, rbi,great eyesight at first base
Laser Show (w/Hung Dam): 2-3, 2 runs, great taste in music

On notice:
Aaron

Stock Rising:
Maximo

From the Enemies Perspective:
“At least they let us play 9.”

Glove Kings:
(Crickets...)

Larceny:
Lawn (1), Daniels (1), L. Show (2) Lets get back to running, shall we?

For the team:
Cooper, Autocorrect, Everchill (fuck those guys!)

Dick move:
Danger funneling banana bread, depriving others of its divinity, though it was his first solid meal in weeks.

Indefensible:
Backpeddling Banana Bread, post-game pizza waiter’s flat jokes, sluggishness

The most shocking thing you’ll see this Saturday:
Hyphen’s driver’s license photo

Memorable Quotes:

Nederostek Consulting: “I want the first batter I face this season to be Autocorrect.”

Tom’s Viking Quest: “From the back? Oh she’s stupid. Oh that hurts. That’s what the Greek’s do.”

Autocorrect’s Craigslist Ad if we win the ‘ship: “When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks.”

More from Craigslist Ad: “I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.”

Autocorrect: “Yesterday Tom informed me that he had a 1.5 year slump in college. Didn’t know that was possible.
Everchill: “In our generation we just called that the 90s.”

Radio Host (to Oil Can Boyd): “Do you think you would have had a better career if you hadn’t smoked so much crack?”
Oil Can Boyd: “It don’t work that way.”

Hyphen: “I’m the love-child of Tulo and J. Lin.”

Autocorrect: “And if I had a 12 inch dick I’d be a pornstar.”

That is all. Hog the Fog. Jorts mandatory.
Posted by Rizzo on 05/04 at 09:01 PM
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