Thursday, April 19, 2012

The 2012 edition of The San Francisco Tsunami is sponsored by Dollar Shave Club

The 2012 edition of The San Francisco Tsunami is sponsored by Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club couldn’t be simpler. Select one of their great razors, pay one low monthly fee, and they'll send ‘em right to your door. No more over-paying for fancy brand name shave tech. No more forgetting to buy your blades. Honoring our sponsor, here is an estimate of how often each Tsunami needs to shave (I guess you could also consider this a masculinity scale, from least to most):

Every February 29th (Infant Division):
Tom D'Antono
Todd Emr

With the Time Change (Denial Division):
Mike Abbott (current whiskers are four years in the making)

On Full Moons (Nice-Guy Division):
Matt Rowe
Walt Morton

Before Going to the Marina (non-Hipster Division):
Connor Buestad
Pete Lawn (eligible for one division only)
Loren Fraser

Daily (People I'm afraid to offend):
Jim Nederostek
Ken Hale
Vic Chu
Cameron Yuen-Shore

Despues de Speaking Spanish (Bi-Lingual Division):
John Ratto
Dan Larson
Tommy Salvatierra

Both Sunrise and Sunset (Jewish Division):
John Hirsch
Tamir Frankel

After Eating (Wookie Division):
Mike Carozza
Posted by Tsunami34 on 04/19 at 01:57 PM

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about the precise time Matt Foley wants him to play baseball

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about the precise time Matt Foley wants him to play baseball.  He’ll get there when he damn well feels like it.  He’s on JPT.  He and Lawn both.  Just be glad he brought a belt and a pair of socks he hasn’t recently made love to.

Oh, and do you really think Danger gives a fuck about the Gamecocks batting order? Go ahead, try to tell him it’s easier to get out the 9-hole hitter (contact-less in three previous at-bats) than it is to walk him before having to face the top of the order with men on base and the game on the line. Good fucking luck. Enjoy his vaguely jaundiced stare in response. Then watch the mound results that let you know he’ll do things his way, on his schedule, often with his best friend in the same room. Tag team!

Tsunami 4, Gamecocks 2
Brother Mouzone could probably use a little run support, fellas. There was that one good line drive by Lawn, but nobody was on base. Then Jake Taylor did rip one to left, but again, not with RISP. Instead we’ll settle for bloopers by Hyphen and Taylor to plate the four-pack of runs. Of course we still won, all thanks to the pitching. Stop spoiling us, Bro Mouzone, we’re not going to learn if our bad habits are reinforced with positive results!

Bump Kings
Brother Mouzone: 7 innings, 3 hits (zero hard), 1 earned run, 1 HBP, 1 BB, 12 Ks

Danger: 2 innings, 2 hits, 1 earned run, 3BB, 2 Ks

Big Hot Sticks
Everchill (Jake): 1. Hardest hit ball of the day. 2. An even bigger hit, importance-wise, just a wee bit into the outfield, but just when we needed it—driving in the decisive winning runs.

Frankel: Frozen rope down the right field line, sparking 8th inning mini-rally.

Lawn: Sure the CF froze, then came in, froze, then came in some more. The ball was crushed. Double. We need more of these.

Glove Kings
Ratto: It would take too long to describe. You had to be there. If you weren’t, you know what it was like, you’ve seen this dude do his thing before.

0: Everyone afraid to steal off a lefty. And that Howitzer behind the dish.

For the Team!

One Dick Move
Gamecocks start “Jermiah #17.” Not on roster. Not registered with SFNABA. Naughty, naughty.

Two Varying Approaches, No Judgment
Mouzone: 7 innings pitched, 95 pitches
Danger: 2 innings pitched, 48 pitches

Nederostek Consulting ordering four chimichanguitas plates, two nachos, and two quesadillas at Cecilia’s. Finishing one chimi plate and one quesadilla.

Zero dugout music. Laser, delegate in your absence. Nobody plays good baseball tight.

Quote of the Week 1: Autocorrect: “I was a complete flake. But that's because his team is a bunch of nerds and cheese dicks that I didn't really want to be around. I don't see any of them asking to call Aaron, or sending pictures of a dog breaking out if a slump by fucking a pig, or getting stranded on 3rd base consistently by some hot chick named Morgan that I haven't met yet.” 

Quote of the Week 2: Autocorrect: “I was a flake because I was busy doing what all those Orange wearing uniform pussies can't do.........getting laid. That was 2008-2009 and Fraser can verify those were epic years to be single.”

Quote of the Week 3: Autocorrect: “Tom its 12:30 in Boston, shouldn't you be trying to get balls deep in some chick who's only known adjective is wicked?”

Quote of the Week 4: Buestad: “I’ll see you Sunday.” Hell yeah! And welcome back.

Quote of the Week 5: “Nerds and cheese dicks.” Some things are worth repeating.

Quote of the Week 6: Laser: “This girl is dumpy. But I’m desperate.”

Quote of the Week 7: Autocorrect: “I should stick to what I know . . . bars, towncars, and talking shit.”

Quote of the Week 8: Danger: “I’m trying to eat wings and suck on tit.”

Quote of the Week 9: Danger: “I’m trying to suck on wings and eat tit.”

Quote of the Week 10 (tie): Lawn: “Bumgardner may have the ugliest wife in MLB.” Lawn: “I love this synagogue.”

Quote of the Week 12: Autocorrect: “What’s ‘NR’ by my name mean?”
Daniels: “Non-runner.”
Autocorrect: “Oh yeah, well God did that. When I was born, he looked at me and then checked the box: non-runner.”

Quote of the Week12: Mouzone: “If you guys could hit as well as you text we’d be unstoppable.”

The Wire Quote of the Week:
Bunk Moreland: “I’m just a humble motherfucker with a big-ass dick.”
Lester Freamon: “You give yourself too much credit.”
Bunk: “Okay then. I ain’t that humble.”

Potential Reasons You Weren’t Recognized in Quote of the Week:
1. You’re not on Tsunami groupme (and be glad)
2. You have a day job that requires, well, job stuff
3. Autocorrect said five funnier things than you did

From the Enemy’s Perspective
Posted by Tsunami34 on 04/19 at 01:52 PM

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

San Francisco Tsunami:  No Longer the Fat Girl Anyone Can Fuck

The 2012 SF Tsunami have committed zero known parole violations since spring training. This year's edition, however, is much new and improved. Faced with an aging roster and championship window rapidly closing, team owner (and only league member to live through the Cuban Missile Crisis) Matt Rowe decided to push payroll beyond the luxury tax threshold in addition to ignoring the draconian league office draft slot bonus recommendations. Convinced it's the only way to prosper in the evermore competitive SFNABA, Rowe has dictated that all gloves, facades of pretense, and fans' soaking wet panties must come off in 2012. Newcomers this year include battery mates Loren Fraser and Tommy Salvatierra of the defunct but not forgotten Artichoke Joe's of San Bruno (Strong Wang, you live on in our hearts). Having played with each other for years, Fraser and Salvatierra display uncommon chemistry on the field and off, evident most clearly during the Tsunami's opening day victory over the Isotopes and the ensuing team debauchery. Also joining the Tsunami is Cameron Yuen-Shore, previously of the Diablos (and lifetime .897 hitter vs. the Tsunami). Cam is a nice, standup guy who's not sure how he wound up on this roster of hog-chasers and Roman bulldozers. He has agreed not to drink in public parking lots after games. Rounding out the offseason shopping for the Tsunami is Jim Nederostek. Jim does not appreciate this type of humor, so there is nothing funny to say about him.

Of course, in addition to Old Rowe, SFNABA groupies will recognize a few more veteran Tsunami faces still on the team. Laid back Mike Abbott returns as Manager. You won't catch him sweating unless there's no Racer 5 on tap. 2011 Co-Rookie of the Year Mike Carozza (also VP of Dugout Music) brings his weekly laser show back to CF, and Pete Lawn is still handsome in left despite all the late nights and fiber-less diet. Walt Morton was coaxed out of retirement to provide dugout candor and base hits, Ken Hale (league founder!) is back in the bullpen, as is Jon Danger Hirsch and a whole lot of penicillin. In the infield Tamir Frankel brings international tournament experience as well as a new parent's bloodshot eyes (welcome, Jack!). Vic Chu still wears the catcher's gear and is nicer than anyone you know. SS Todd Emr (Co-ROY), 2B Tom D'Antono and three-time Tsunami MVP John Ratto are all sleeping with the same seven girls, but only Tom has real feelings for them. Connor Buestad's whereabouts are unknown.

And on a final, serious note, the SF Tsunami have dedicated this season to one of the under-acknowledged working class heroes of the Bay Area: Aaron the Towncar Driver. This week's game, and this year's cumulative efforts, are for you, Aaron. May you inspire us to great heights.
Posted by Tsunami34 on 04/18 at 02:00 PM

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about painted eggs, pink bunnies or ash-stamped foreheads

Jon Danger Hirsch doesn’t give a fuck about painted eggs, pink bunnies or ash-stamped foreheads.  He’s a member of the tribe.  The global, not Cleveland-based one.  So don’t come to him with your little cups of jellybeans, your Cadbury Creams, or your damned Opening Day 2012 versus the Isotopes on Passover.  Making Walter Sobchak proud, Danger wasn’t there for the follow up to last year’s second round playoff tilt versus the Topes on the same field that last season ended.  Fortunately, he didn’t miss much, as Laser Show’s thorough and efficient recap demonstrates…

Tsunami 2, Isotopes 1
Loren shoves. Cam rakes. Sal has a gun. Laser throws better than he catches. We’re good. Somebody call Aaron.

Bump Kings
Fraser: 7 innings, 1 hit, 1 unearned run, 1 BB, 9 Ks

Laser: 2 innings, 0 hits, 0 runs, 3 Ks

Big Hot Sticks
Hyphen: 2B. Total laser to left that melted the LF.

Everchill: Don’t call it a comeback. Robbed of results but the reward is knowing who hit the hardest ball of the day. Next time find a gap.

Glove Kings
Black Label: Several nifty plays up the middle in support of the No-No.

Toddamus: Deep into the hole, throwing to first with his hole barely off the ground.

Omaha: The ball will find you! In the game for the first time since 2010, Omaha was sent straight back for a Lex bomb to open up the 8th inning. No problem. Business as usual. Smoothly tracked and caught.

Autocorrect: Even if the guy was safe stealing second, the throw was so damn good the umpire got excited and wiped off the runner.

Black Label 1 (2nd base, 1st inning)

For the Team!
Daniels. Top of seventh. Right in the thigh. Didn’t even flinch. Lou’s hit me plenty of times before, he just had a different uniform on this time.

One Dick Move
Topes break up Fraser’s no-hitter in bottom of 7th with a leadoff bunt.
“Bush league!” Tommy says.
“I would’ve done it in a close game like that,” Coach Everchill says.
Who’s right? Bush League should be the name of a strip joint, I say.

Coach Everchill: “There was a no-hitter? I thought they had a hit early on.” Um, no.

Lawn: Picked off first with two on two outs, and By A Catcher! Being handsome doesn’t even start to make up for it. -4 in the larceny derby.

Quote of the Week 1: Autocorrect: “So the whole week we suck each other off on this group text and then we beat the fucking topes and the chatter stops?!?! Wtf.”

Quote of the Week 2: Autocorrect: “I don’t just make sex jokes and talk about coke. I also like economics. I do.”

Quote of the Week 3: Autocorrect: “Hirsh is Koufaxing us? He’s not Shawn Green!”

Quote of the Week 4: Autocorrect: “The Mission? What the hell I want to go the Mission and have sex with some ironic chick for?!?! Oh, you’re fucking me, yeah, it’s so ironic!”

Mid-week text of the week, post-game edition: Fraser: “Tommy’s string of autocorrect errors is DiMaggio-esque.”

The Right Move: Coach Everchill, in a controversial move, names Fraser the opening day starter. Some took it extremely well, like Laser who saved his bullets for a shutdown two-inning save. Some had a hard time believing the decision, like Nederostek Consulting: “Management decided he’s starting? Management decided?!?! Didn’t he see my one bullpen in my slacks and tennies? What more does he want?” Fortunately for Everchill, Fraser rewarded his decision with 7 innings of one-hit ball and zero earned runs. Though some say Nederostek Consulting wouldn’t have given up that hit.

From the Enemy’s Perspective
“Who the hell was that tall guy?”
Posted by Tsunami34 on 04/12 at 01:32 PM
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